A mother in South Africa expresses her anger and distress at the lack of exploration when her daughter said she was trans.
Transcript
I’m a mother from South Africa.
Early this year, my adult daughter came out as trans, completely out of the blue. Despite her 10 year history of mental health issues, depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicide attempts, OCD and autism, as well as a recent trauma of a friend’s suicide, and her discomfort with her sexuality, she was immediately affirmed by psychiatrists and psychologists, and put straight onto the medical route.
As her parents, we tried to get her to slow down and to think about it carefully. We have always been openly supportive of trans rights, but we believe she needed time to understand where this had suddenly come from. Unfortunately, in my panic, I reacted clumsily and too emotionally, all that did was made her put up a huge wall between us. We have always been very close, and I just couldn’t believe this was the person I had known and loved for over 20 years, saying such terrible things to me, using so much jargon from social media.
If I could do it again, I would try to be stronger and firmer, and wouldn’t show her my fears and distress. Another mistake was regarding finances. She is financially dependent on us, and I tried to impress upon her that this was an adult decision and therefore, if she was an adult, she first needed to contribute to her living expenses. This was a complete failure and just made her furious. She accused me of denying her the right to become her true self by taking the money that she could use for testosterone.
We have been through a year of hell. Her voice has already deepened. I feel completely devastated. It helped that she’s recently moved out of our home, because I can do my crying away from her and put on a cheerful face when I see her for brief visits. We have had very difficult family therapy sessions, but I have tried to listen and understand her anger and acknowledge the mistakes I have made. Slowly our relationship is improving. She knows we don’t agree with what she is doing. But we are trying to show that no matter what, we will always love and support her.
My heart aches when I see how much she is struggling and I feel extremely angry towards the psychiatrists and psychologists who have rushed her into medicalization without first helping her understand her dysphoria. I am grateful to Genspect and the wonderful parents and therapists who are part of the support groups.
Unfortunately, we don’t have any such support groups in South Africa. So I do feel very lonely.